Hey everybody! Excited new blogger here on a mission– to tell our story, that of a “Zebra couple,” (she African American & he Caucasian). Many are wacky moments of learning, surprise, discovery, etc., and some are loving clashes of culture, ethnicity, and practices. While we’ve not encountered the ugly side couples like us may have experienced some years back, we are well aware that that side is certainly still out there.
The blogosphere is a unique environment in that it can be a great community building tool. I am hoping to make great friends here and learn from the rest of “us” (Interracial couples) out there– even get the thoughts, feedback, opinions, of those out there on all sides of the matter. Sometimes the anonymity of the Internet brings out the ugly-worst humanity has to offer. We may see / hear some of that here too. It’s okay, we can deal with it.
We look forward to hearing from all camps; from IR couples, friends of IR couples, curious folk, angry folk too if that’s what you’re about. Welcome to Zebracouple’s Blog!!
5 Comments
May 30, 2008 at 8:12 am
Hello Zebra Couple! I enjoy reading your blog. I’m married to a white man and I’m a black woman. I’m curious to see what other IR couples go through. The problem I have with my husband is that he doesn’t understand race issues and it’s starting to frustrate me!
June 1, 2008 at 11:39 am
Dear Lee–
Sorry you’re frustrated. We started this blog to see what others like us go through so we really appreciate your reading us, and your comments.
I’m not sure either of your hosts “understand race issues” all that well either. I mean, we’re from different backgrounds, ethnicities, and cultures, each of those with rich and diverse histories. None of us will ever know what it was like for the other coming up. I think that the best we can do is to open up, learn, appreciate, empathasize, and never, never, ever assume to “know;” to be sensitive to each other’s issues, needs, wants, hurts, dreams, etc.
To me, that’s a good formula not just for couples of mixed race, but for everyone.
Help your husband by explaining to him what it is that has you frustrated. Be sure to write back to us too and tell us specifically what’s going on. Your story is ours; ours is probably the story of hundreds of others. In the spirit of Indiana Jones, let’s unearth the issues, clean ‘em up, learn from them, then enjoy the treasure of learning more and journeying deeper with our soulmates.
ZebraCouple
June 3, 2008 at 5:34 am
I have many reasons why I’m frustrated with my husband. Ok, when we first started dating his uncle said “So your dating an Aunt Jemima”. My husband said nothing to his uncle about that comment. He claims that he didn’t want to create a problem with his uncle and that is why he didn’t defend me. That incident happened three years ago. This year I went to another Uncles house and his Uncle had swastikas in his house. I was very confused and hurt by this because my husband never told me he had racist family members. I feel like I should have been warned. I told my husband that I wish he could have told me and he said that it was none of my business. That was a shocker to me! I don’t know if I’m overreacting or being to sensitive. I know he loves me but I’m not sure he could stand up for me in these situations. I feel like he wants to protect this “family secret”. I just don’t know what to do.
Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it.
Lee
June 4, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Dear Lee,
While it’s true that when we marry we don’t just gain a spouse, we inherit a new family too, the most important bond is that between the man or woman we choose. If that’s solid, you’ll get through this. (Once again, this is not about being black, white, or purple; it’s about being human.) How wonderful it is to have a loving spouse to lean on in tough times!
I sometimes think of my relationship with my wife as a cocoon, shielding us from the rest of the world. There may be wars, $4 a gallon gas, barking next-door neighbor dogs, and trouble at work– but I know that at the end of every day for the rest of my life she will be there for me, and I for her. Cocooned away from it all.
We choose our spouses. We don’t get to choose our family. I can tell you this: you wouldn’t have to climb very high in my family tree to find a relative of mine who’s said something racially ignorant. Most of my family’s passed however so the need to confront never arose.
My remaining people life my African American wife dearly and she them. I have been blessed too to have been accepted and loved by my new family. I care deeply about those I see often, and I know it’s mutual. They love me and want the best for their sister, daughter, aunt– my wife. Outside of them, if somehow I could go into the homes and closets of Uncles and distant cousins, might I find some bigotry? Of course. It’s out there. Sometimes it hits home as it has for you. I say this:
Know this: You certainly NOT being over-sensitive!
I know you’d like your husband to step up and say something to these Uncles. He needs to know how strongly you feel, and how their names and the evil images make you feel. Make sure, in love that you communicate that to him. Another thing is, and I’m sure you know this but I’ll say it anyway… A man cannot be goaded into doing what everyone knows is the right thing to do. Let him know your side, then give him the time and space. Meanwhile, you might want to tell him that you won’t be visiting those Uncles again anytime soon. That avoiding their hatred is just something YOU must do. Ask him to take that stand with you, but understand that he may not be able to.
As I said earlier, we don’t choose our family, but we certainly can “un-choose” them. That’s what I would do if, given fair warning they refused to respect the woman I love. Keep communicating, give it and him time. Do what you have to do.
In time, I hope we can build a real support community here for couples like us and issues like these. What’s everyone else think? You’ve heard my two “sense.” Join in the conversation with a question, answer, a rant or a rave. Are you a closet racist / supremacist like Lee’s husband’s Uncle? Maybe you’re out of the closet, into the streets and hate for all the world to see. Let’s hear from you too then. Weigh in.
November 12, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Hi: Nice introduction to your site, well stated and I like your worthy intentions. I am a white man with a Japanese wife, and the racial thing for us is not at all an issue. In this country I guess that such emotional material (for others) is much more likely to come up in a black-white mix.
(If anything, our differences are much more cultural than racial, and the pluses of that for me have massively outweighed the minuses….)
Regarding your reader, Lee: Sounds like a tough situation. From what you have said, your husband’s family sound like old-fashioned racists, and it sounds like your husband has put himself between a rock and a hard place.
Yeah, ideally he would have told you, but let’s not miss another point: Ideally, YOU would have noticed what was up before you “did the deal”. I say this to support you, not to judge you, as the sooner we own our own contribution to our messes, the better equipped we are to manage them!
You knew about the one uncle before you married, right? That was a red flag that you chose to ignore, it seems to me. (Again, no judgment offered, as I have ignored such red flags in my life many times and then paid the price….) Thus, to my way of thinking, the best stance to take in reflecting on the situation might be “Hmmm, what was up for me that I chose (unconsciously) not to see the obvious and investigate further before getting into this situation? What is my lesson here?” Don’t let the ugliness of racism over-shadow your own growth.
Either you live with your husband as he is (including his co-dependency with his racist relatives), or you have a showdown with your husband as to his failure to be more assertive with the relatives. In the case of such a showdown, either you and he both push through the crap together and grow, or you see that you are dead-ended and then decide what to do about it.
By the way, I agree with the host here: if I were in your situation and the relatives kept tripping in my presence (and if it provoked me emotionally), I wouldn’t just swallow that. I would experiment with confronting them to see how they respond. Would they be moved by an effectively confrontation, by being put on notice that you aren’t going to put up with shit?
If not, then I would AVOID them. Especially if such behavior were hurtful to me. Just remember, racism is about the racist, not the recipient! : )
In any case, good luck! Jim PS As mentioned, with regard to my wife, our inter-racial issues are minimal, and mostly a source of entertainment. If you want a laugh, check out my blogsite: http://www.norikostale.wordpress.com